A Death to Remember
by PyromaniacalCadaver
Summary: A wonderful, amazing, awesome and as epic as Homer's poems story about a beautiful girl...I hate Twilight. Vampires don't sparkle period.  Get ready to light a match for this story.
1. LOVE

I was walking down the street one day.

My name is Appyllyna Phorc Twyggstarr. I have beautiful long raven locks, amythest orbs, and crème brulee skin. I am really pretty.

Anyways, I was walking down to my school. (I'm 17) I saw a man. He was very manly. He had pale marble skin, bronze hair, and dark golden eyes. He was very ugly.

He looked at me with a strange desire in his eyes.

"What do you want baka (Japanese for idiot)?" I yelled.

"I love you!" He said. "You are really pretty!"

I rolled my eyes and gave him the middle finger and told him to fuck off.

"I'll be back," he said as he walked away.

I suddenly felt a strong sense of kinship with this strange man.

School was ok. I came right in the middle of last period, which was a study hall. Then I decided to work on my mad trenchcoat wearing skills.

zome zought it was egzremely sketchy, zhat was ze point (snap fingers), duh. I mad ze effort to continue ze sketchy twend zoughtout ze rest of ze lives' of ze pweps.

(Which was probably when the bell rang, then I'd continue as a mymorial) I decided I'd cut the French shit out and continue with Latin.

I remember from the shitty textbooks that were immediately set on fire directly after I brought them home the fucking stupid shit like "Sextus est molestus et Cornelia eum pulsat" "Omnos coquunt sextum" "Cornelii sunt fatui" etc and so on.

Fedward Mellon came back. I yelled at him, "shouldn't you be at home you mother-fucker, Bedward Mellon!"

He answered, "No nicknames, I'm Deadward Fellon, wait, I ment, Fredward Pellon, no, something or other, wait that aint close, I'm Edward Cullem" he answered again immedietly banging his messed-up (that is all that is needed to say) ugly face.


	2. SUNSHINE

"Haha, sensei baka (that means huge idiot)" I said.

"You suck," I said. I felt a strange urge to throw a pie at you.

"Hey y'all, s'up?" said a man with a blond afro, as he stared at me with a different kind of hunger. "Are you a human?"

"Yes" I lied. I was really a powerful vegan ninja who trained with the mafia. I also had magical powers.

"You look tasty- AHHHHHH!!!!!" suddenly Dedward punched him in the face.

"Go away! I love her! Whatever her name is!"

"YOU BASTARD! FUCK YOU! DOUCHEBAGS! DIPSHIT!" I ran away crying tears of sadness.

"Why did you scare my future wife away?" Bedward asked.

"I thought yuh had a wife already" Casper said. "I do… But I like whats-her-face better. Even though she's done nothing but verbally abuse me so far."

I came back hering the last comment about verbal abuse, i decided to make it physical.

I pulled a dagger from my raven locks.

It was stained with the blood of the preppy girls, I needed to wash it. They didn't deserve the honor of their blood on my dagger.

(Yelling a whole sting of profanities in 72 different languages)

Xian nan hoa! Gong hay fat choy! (In Chinese means fuck you piece of schit)

I rambled on like an old Italian man and stabbed it repeatedly in the fucking chest.

IT WOULDN'T DIE! WHAT THE BLOODY SHITTIN' HELL IS THE LITTLE FUCKER MADE OUT OF? "arg…" I whispered.

I decided to stab the redneck next to Bledward.

THEY FUCKING WERE MADE OF SHEEPSHIT!

They didn't know when to die.


	3. LOLLIPOPS

Apparently no one has read our story...you don't know what you're missing! Please, someone, I beg of you, please read and review this story!

Sorry, we forgot the disclaimer: we don't own Twilight, Stephanie does

* * *

I gapsed. "How do I KILL YOU PEOPLE????" I yowled.

"Well, you have to rip us up and set us on fire-" Dedward began, but Casper clasped a hand over his motuh.

"No you idjit!" he said. "Don't tell the lady how tuh kill us! Than them'll all come tuh kill us, yuh see?"

"No I don't!" Dedward yelled. "She loves me! I know she does1 She wouldn't hurt me!"

I was surprised he said this when I had just tried to kill him.

However, he didn't see me getting me super-powered wood chipper.

"LOOK OUT MUTHAFUCKA!" Jasper screamed and ran away, jus as I was throwing my lighter.

Unfortunately, Edward ran away too and I didn't kill him.

"Oh well," I sighed. "There's always tomorrow."

I decided to spend the night sharpening my teeth with my pocketknife.

I had many weapons. I also had three firearms with me, and several grenades.

My secret weapon was a mini nuclear missile. It was only for special occasions.

It was hard to get ahold of terrorists to supply me.

Moven' on! I stalked them, I stalked them reel gud. Yeh, I stalked them. Yep, I'm a gud stalker, a night creeper.

I suddenly ran into a cold stone. "WHAT THE BLOODY... ow."

I grabbed the stone and flung it far-flung places.

It hit something... I think it was a house.

I was not very sure. Why the hell am I speaking proper?

Fuck this shilt. The thing came back at me, like a booming boomerang.

WHAT THE SHITTTTT! (note the t's) It seemed to be made of rubber.

ABCD EF GH IJKLMNO PQRS! TUV WXYXA BCD EFGFHIKLM! N OP QRST UVW XYZ!

Esperanto for something, if you don't know what that means, I hope YOU FUCK'N BLOODY KNOW I DON'T CARE. (not to reader)


	4. UNICORNS

I hope you read the author note, aka chapter four. (now deleted if you didn't know)

Here it is if you didn't catch it:

Please peopl! I really need reviews! I have only one so far! I think my sotry is really good! Do you not like it? Do you just not care? You people are mean!

Thank you to Eastmangirl for the reviews! Here is a special chapter for you.

Also the disclaimer is: I don't own Twilight, Stephanie can keep it!

* * *

"What is wrong my petunia, my love?" Shit. It was Bedward again.

"WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER?"

I didn't recognize that voice. I turned around.

A very pale girl with a homely face stared at me with a burning hatred in her chocolate eyes.

Bedwrad stared at me happily. "Don't talk like that. It is wrong for a young lady to dirty her mouth on such words."

The girl punched me in the face!

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT BITCH DOING?

I bitchslapped her aside.

"Get your psycho body-guard away from me, Dedward," I growled.

"That's not my bodyguard, that's mai waifu."

I stared at her. Their ugliness was perfectly matched.

"Stay away from me, you creepers," I yowled.

I picked up the rock and threw it at her.

It bounced off of her head, leaving her looking like nothing had happened.

SHIT! It came back AGAIN!

"WHAT THE ASS IS UP WITH THIS ROCK?" I yelled as I dived aside, damn.

She grabbed me.

The fucking asshole touched me!

I meen she fucking touched me.

"OH MY GOD, CALL A FUCKING DOCTOR NOW! I'M INFECTED! THIS BITCH F'N TOUCHED ME!" i screeched as I tried to tear her head off.

Sheepshit was more durable than i originally though, damn.

Maybe i should call it frog shit, or butt shit or something like that.

"LADIES shouldn't swear or fight," Bedward said watching us.

"do something you pissy excuse of a vampire!" i swore Buttwards mouth hit his ass.

"Carlisle, come here, NOW!" he yowled.

"who the hell is that piece of shitty shit?" I asked as a sketchy piece of shit came running towards us at an incredible speed.

"he's your doctor," Fredward said, "whatch your language two, he's my father."

"what the fuck do you want Edward? And why is Bella attacking a human girl?" the mysterious man, mermaid…cough… said.

Who the fucking hell was the ass wiping pixie?


	5. RAINBOWS

I'm nice, here's the next chapter. Please review, or Appyllyna Phorc Twyggstarr will come after you.

The disclaimer is still the same: Stephanie, keep it away!

* * *

"My beloved is attacking my other beloved!' Fredward sobbed dramatically, throwing back his head.

"Whoa whoa whoa. _Another_ human girl? We already went through all this shit! Damnit, she's gonna have an angry redneck father, and stupid human friends, and-" I cut him off with a smack.

Smella lay in the corner of empty space, temporarily unconscious.

"I'm not another stupid human!" I yelled. "And neither are you!"

There was a pause.

Then Buttward said, "Are you a vampire, too? That makes things much more simple."

I took out a cigarette, lit it, and ground it into his eye.

"OW! Why are you hurting me, my perfect Zinnia?"

Apparently his eyes weren't made of sheepshit, too.

Maybe chickenshit.

When I took the cigarette away, his eye was FUCKING MELTED! SWEET!

I found his weak spot.

"Stop abusing my son!" Carsilse commanded.

"NEVER," I yelled continuously stabbing Fedward.

Then I got an idea.

A real good idea.

An idea like no other.

This idea was so good, it put others to shame.

I mean, this idea is the idea of the year, no, decade, wait, century, NO, the MILENIA!

This idea puts the apocalypse to shame!

…if only, I remembered what it was, damn.

I am stupid, no, unintelligent.

I charged at the chickenshit named "the doctor"

(no copy write intended, if you don't know what Doctor Who is, go look it up on youtube or an apocalypse will happen!)

He was ready for me the one thing he didn't realize was I had a scarf on and threw a bottle of vodka at him. (He, he, Hetalia reference)

While I charged, I lighted my least favorite lighting lighter.

I stabbed him with it and stole his vampire speed power and saved my fucking awesome ass!

He immedietly burst into flames.

What the FUCK smells like Donnashit? (Character from Doctor Who)

Then I remembered, I left my lighter, oh well, that lighter was never my favorite litter.


	6. SPARKLES

You all really owe me for all the updates.

Cash or reviews would be nice.

Disclaimer hasn't changed: Put it away! Put it away! My eyes, my poor eyes!

* * *

"You killed my father!" Edward sobbed. "But I forgive you, because you are my true love."

"Ya prodavayu smetanu! (Fuck off loser in Russian)" I yelled. "He deserved to die!"

"Whatever! I would be happy to wed you if you stopped killing my family members!"

"NO YOU DUMB FUCKER!!!!11" I yelled, shaking with rage. "Go home with your wife already!"

I turned to look at Stella, lying on the ground with blood dribbling from her mouth.

"She is a much better match for you than me." Besides, I thought evilly, if they're together I can kill them both at the same time.

"But I do not love her!" He said mournfully. "She is annoying and clingy and can't do anything by herself! She also gave birth to an evil demon baby! I hate her!"

I saw Blella starting to stir, and made a hasty retreat.

Hmm, I thought.

Evil demon baby… that could come in handy.

I ran, yeah i ran, I run real gud.

I followed them home like a stalker, well, i went to their house before them.

Well, the truth is, I met the asshole baby.

She's cool in creepy kinda way.

She showed me stuff.

i kidnapped her and ran off with her, kinda like in National Treasure.

We are running to my place.

I am asking her to join my league.

Oh fuck, I'm desperate, im askin a bitch of a fucking baby to help me kill off her family members.

What happened to just doin it meselfe?

"So, will ya?" i asked Renesme?

"Sure, you can call me nessie." She replied.

"whats evers, Loch Nessie Monsters. LMNOP for short, or alphabet, nah, alph/alphy?"

"Okay?" she replied with a sinister grin not matching up to mine.

I know the fuckin family will be her soon lookin for alphy.

They'll sure meat their surprise when they learn their own fucker turned on them!

Look whos eatin me now, er, them now!

That made no sense whatsoever, who the hell cares though?

Oh yeah!


	7. HEARTS

I swear, this is the last update 'till someone leaves me a review or twenty.

Appyllyna Phorc Twyggstarr is coming to get those who pass over this story!

Also, she's after the readers who don't review!

Disclaimer: Stephanie, what did you do to my brain?

* * *

I waited in their house.

Monster stood next to me, dutifully staring out with creepy eyes.

After four hours of waiting in silence, I asked, "Fuck, what's taking so long?"

Losing patience, we decided it would be best to bomb the house with weapons of mass destruction.

"Oh, I'm not sure," Monster said. "I did grow up here."

"Yeah, but your parents are freaks," I pointed out.

"Good point," she replied.

Suddenly, the door burst open.

IT WAS THE BOOMING BOOMERANG, BACK FOR REVENGE!!!!

"Look out!" I yelled, and we both ducked.

There was evil laughter from the door.

It was………….. Casper!

"Looks like yuh have turned tuh the dahk side, Ruhnuhsmay. Too bad. Yuh wer sure a cute baby. Oh well. Guess I'll jus' have ta kill yuh after all. Such a shame." He grinned.

thinking fast, I said, "Hey, redneck. How much do you hate Yankees?"

His face darkened.

"I HATE THEM! THEM DIRTY TYRANTS, TAKING 'WAY OUR RIGHTS!" While he ranted, we ducked around him and ran out.

The stars glittered down at us like shimmering faeries.

"FUCK YOU, STARS!" I shouted at them.

I hated the stars.

"Now what?" Monster asked.

"Well, now we do something."I answered.

"Like what?" she asked licking her lips ungerly.

It was disturbing, perturbing actually.

"Um- "I wanna eat someone" she interjected.

"Who? Yo father?"

"Naw, he got know blooooooooooood!"

"Kay, yo scare me." i muttered darkly.

Mons started to sing The Climb by Cyrus.

"SHUT THE BLOODY FUCKING DAMN SHITTY WORLD UP NOW! I FUCKING HATe THAT SONG AND THE BITHCHY AUTHOR! (no offence to Miley)"

Mons shut up then started to sing You Belong with Me by Swift.

What is up with the majorly creepy stalkerish songs?

What the fuck do her parents teach if not music choice.

"WILL YA JUS STOP SINGIN THAT FUCKIN BLOODY HELLISH SONG? I HATE EM, I REALLY DO HATE EM"

(BTW Appyllyna switches to a southern accent when she's mad unintentually)

* * *

The reviews better be poorin' in for this long chapter!

PS. remember, flames are always excepted

PPS. come on! where are the Twilight haters?


	8. FRIENDSHIP

Special _**Incentive **_chapter.

Reviews better come.

I know people read the story.

Appllyna's comming after those who read and don't review.

disclaimer:

Stephanie: do you want Twilight?

Me: _**No**_, why the hell would I?

Stephanie: please take it! Appllyna is hunting me down! Quick, take it!

Me: nay, you can have it.

Stephanie: Ahhhhhhhhh!

Appllyna: hey, whatcha want me to do with the cadaver?

Me: I wanna burn it, yah!

* * *

BTW Mons POV:

"phine" i shut up before Appllyna burned me with her cigarette.

Appllyna was gud at smoking.

She could smoke a cigarette per each figer.

Nothing more needed to be sad on ze topic.

"whaz ze fuck do ya want?"

"nohthin" I replied.

She gave me the finga with her cigarette.

"arg shit" she sayed "watza fuckz we doz know? You yank lovin bro quit our plane"

"i'm hungrey. Hungrey is eaten my stomach. i kned to eat someone"

"fyi, i got a suckish idya. we go to hospital and burn ya grannies stuff. while were their we can eat whomever we wantz to. kay?

"kool" i syd.

* * *

PS. Hey Carli, are you readin this? ; )


	9. PEACE

Sorry people for taking so damn long, here is a chapter to make up for it!

Thank you to all the reviewers.

Please enjoy and review again, or else…

Also, I know in the last chapter they were going to the hospital to go on a killing/destructing spree, but change of plans...

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia, sadly. I wish I did… (who doesn't?!)

* * *

recap:

_"LOOK OUT MUTHAFUCKA!" Jasper screamed and ran away, jus as I was throwing my lighter._

_Unfortunately, Edward ran away too and I didn't kill him._

onto ze storee:

we are sitting near the river randomly

A strange familiar figure sprang out of the water like jesus

me: jesus, are you there?

him: yeah my child

me: why didn't you get me that GIGANTIC ROBOTIC BEAR i wanted for christmas?

oh mighty one: talk to santa

me: why did you curse the fig tree?

what the fuck did it ever do to you

him: ... damn

me: why did you kill the pigs?

him: idk

me: oh

him: fuck, i gotta go now

me: bye bye oh mighty one

him: shit

He was wearing what looks like roman armor.

It was.

He was huge!

Rochester, HUGE!

He sung, "In Abyssus , English es crustulum , Germen es excolo muneris , Fanaticus es engineers , Swiss es diligo , quod Italians es bankers."

Then he sunk and goes back into the damn water.

Randomly he popped back up.

He was on a barge fucking with pretty women.

He singed again, "In Olympus , Fanaticus es crustulum , English es excolo muneris , Germen es engineers , Swiss es bankers , quod Italians es diligo! Quispiam amo ut woohoo."

rome!

rome! rome!

rome! rome! rome!

rome! rome! rome! rome!

rome est fucking awesome!

Carlie, LKel, you there?

If only Hawker read this...

Don't forget to add this epic story to your favs!

Press the green button and review


	10. CRAP

Sorry to those who are reading and enjoying the story...

My sister is having her appendix out so I'll be gone a while.

Hey Carlie, want to take over for me?

Thanks to all faithful readers/reviewers!

(LKel, cough...)

PS. Carlie, feel free to delete this crap


	11. HEALING

Note: Yes, I am back now.

Thank you for your concern.

If you are a faithful reviewer or just want to guest appear in this story, please feel free to pm me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia, as much as I'd love to… Twilight on the other hand… no comment

* * *

Fucking awesome Rome finished with its song.

He waited for the damn applause.

There were none.

He is sad.

He did go back into the water after he bowed forty-ten times.

Before the ship goes back into the water he poached the reel pwetty women off his barge.

Isablella was their laying in the shit on the beach.

Bledward was they're two.

An ancient women who looked to bee a Chinese youngster came out.

She had a wok.

Someone said, "China, i chose you! Attack"

he did.

she came over an banged Smella's arse face.

It made a gong sound.

A wok imprint was made on the victims asslike face.

Fedward is being a coward didn't do nothin.

Sheepshit.

The booming boomerang is rolled by like tumbleweed.

accompanied by the tumbleweed friends.

It's a western!

* * *

Sorry for the short chapter.

Reviews would make me write longer chapters.

BTW I'll never stop making fun of you Mary Sue! (thanks for the review)

Hey kelly, good luck. Go beat 'em to pulp. You too maggot.


	12. KINDNESS

After the dust had settled, Appylyna looked over at Mons. "wELL, NOW WHAT?" she asked.

Mons was about to reply when a shiny rock fell from the sky! It was big! It hit Mons in the head!

"Ow" she said, before she collapsed to the ground, dead. Appylyna looked at the rock! It was wearing an eyepatch, and had a parrot on its shoulder!

"WHO THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU?"

"Arg, I'm Pyrite, the Pirate!" Was the rock's reply.

"Fine. Whatever. You just killed my sidekick, but I don't really care. She was stupid and sang Taylor Swift. You can be me new sidekick! Oh, fuck, thwe pirate-speak is rubbing off on me!"

"Arg!" Said Pyrite.

"NOOOO!!!!!!111 MY BEUATIFUL DAUTER!!!!! " It was................. Smella! She was sobbing over Mons' body! "How did she even die! It was a FUCKING ROCK! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!" he glared at Pyrite. "I don't know how u did it, but she's dead now! And for that, I swear eternal revenge! On top of the fact that your ally stole my husband!" She glared down at Pyrite, furious tears glittering in her eyes like tiny stars. "SHIT! I CAN'T SEE!"

"Come on,m Pyrite! Let's make a run for it!" Appylyna yelled.

"Some people call me Fool's Gold!!" Pyrite said. They ran.

When they were done, they were several miles away and very out of breath. "Wow, pyrite!" Said Appylyna. "You're a very good runner, especially since you don't have legs!"

"Yar har fiddle-dee-dee!" Replied Pyrite.

"Well, no sine of Bella, but- OH FUCK! I SEE A COSINE OF DEDWARD!"

"My dearest love, your new friend has killed my daughter! But i don't care, because we were meant to be togetehr!"

"FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FUCKER!" Appylyna yelled!

"My formula is FeS2!" Pyrite added.

"Oh, my love, you are so silly! Like when you permenantly ruined my eye!" His eye was still half-melted. It looked cool.

"Why don't you just go fuck yourself?" Appylyna yelled angrily. "Mental note- my vocabulary is becoming somewhat limited. GET AWAY FROM ME, DOUCHEBAG! That's much better."

Bedward closed his other eye and began advancing towards Appylyna, arns outstretched...


	13. COURTESY

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEPER!" I yelled. "HI-YA" I kicked him in the chest! He fell over backwards!

"Now then" I said evilly, pulling out the katana I kept with me at all times. I took out a tank of gasoline and dipped the sword in it, the pulled out my lighter. "EAT FIRE SPARKLE BOY!" I lit the word and plunged it into his chest.  
"no!" he gasped.

the flames spread to his body, and I laughed."This is it! You're dead!"

"I was used as a source of ignition in early firearms!" Pyrit commented.

However, before my very eyes, who should appear but..... EMMETT!

"I got you, lil bro!" he yelled and grabbed fedward, carrying him away!

"DAMN IT!" I yelled. "Stop sabotaging my plans!"

"Yar!" Pyrite called, angirly.

Shit. There was no way I could catch up to Dummet. Looking around, I saw nothing. Suddenly an evil grin spread to my face.

"Say, Pyrite," I said. "What do you say we do some slaying? Between my homocidal tendemcies and your homocidal capabilities, we could probably take some bitches out. We must work as a team!"

"Do what you want, 'cause a pirate is free!" Pyrite agreed.

"LET"S KILL THEM BITCHES!" I yelled.

We began to stalk some preps, talking about preppy stuff.

"OMG!" a blonde said. "i heard that robert pattinson got badly injured the other day!"

"OH NO!" another screamed. "but he's so hottt!"

"SUCK MY SWORD, ASSHOLES!" I yelled, decapitating them with my other katana.

"I'm paramagnetic!" Pyrite said to their bodies, which lay in pools of blood.

I wrote "APPYLYNA WUZ HERE" in the pool, and continued on my way. I felt better already.


	14. PINK

Hey LKell, I assume it went well? Did you get a new ranking?

This chapter is dedicated to Carli because she wrote the last two no four letter word would describe awesome chapters!

Also, to LKell (Note to her: you'll see why soon)

* * *

I was hungry!

Yeah, I was hungry!

I'm a country! JK

Yeah, I'm real hungry!

Hungry, I needa eat someone!

So, I decided to make a list of all I wanted to eat/burn

Burn list:

1. Creeper named Shitward

2. Redneck

3. Mons, damn, she's already dead. Shit, I didn't get to kill her myself

4. any other asswad sparkly vamps

VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE period (.)!

Eat list:

1. All the fucking epic bloody eyes in the universe/galaxy

2. spiked eyes

3. pickled eyes

4. charred/ burned eyes

5. breaded eyes

6. roasted eyes

7. beer battered eyes

8. ancient eyes

9. decaying eyes

10. boiled and hard boiled eyes

(11. you get the idea and my finga hurts from all the writing/typing/thinkin)

of course, all with the side of dripping blood

Fuck a duck, I'm becoming a prick with all the vampire shit

The "Yarm! I vant your BLOOD!"

anyways, back to the list...

I JUST WANT ALL THE FUCKING YUMMY BLOODY EYES HOWEVER THEY ARE DONE!

suddenly, somethin crashed into me.

it fell from the sky, Dorothy moment (if you don't know Wizard of Oz, get a life!)

It was a big blue box!

The big blue box!

(why the fuck doesn't my doctor have one?)

IT'S THE TARDIS!

* * *

Long live bloody eyes Kelly!

BTW just ta let yall know, kelly hates bloody eyes

Also, maybe LC you could write the next chapter?

Don't forget about the doctor morphing and the 1920's!


	15. BEAUTY

**Okay people, listen up, this is your challenge!**

**Whoever can come up with the best ideas for morbid deaths or mutated bloody eye ideas will win first place.**

**Second place will go to the person who comes up with the most ideas.**

**Good luck and submit your ideas as a review!**

_Prizes are yet to be determined and will have something to do with the story. _

_No one will get anything out of this besides recognition and the honor of being a character in the story. (Maybe? Don't worry; we'll make you an awesome character)_


	16. GURO

"I do believe we've hit something!" Said a man in a bow tie. He exited the box, followed by a redhaired woman.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!" Screamed I.

"Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!"

"Ah, this must of been what I was after!" The man announced triumphantly. "Now, what's your name? Er, names?"

"Look!" Yelled the woman.

Pyrite and I ran into the blue box, whose door had been left open.

"SO LONG, FUCKERS!" I yelled. I slammed the door shut. Inside it waws cool and shiny! "Now, what d0es this do..." I muttered, pressing a random button. The whole box lurched! We fell to te side! "HOLY FLIPPING ASS!" I yelled.

"Ye scurvy dog!" Agreed Pyrite.

When the box stopped shaking, I opened the door.

Outside was a woman with short hair and a knee-length skirt with a fringe!

"I say, what's this applesauce," she said.

"FUCK OFF!" I yelled, punching her. She fell. Standing over her unconcious body, I announbced, "WE MUST BE IN THE TWENTIES!"

"Arr!" Pyrite said.

"Now, what to do with my witness..." I muttered. Suddenly, a lightbulb went of in my head!

"OW!" I yelled as smoke came out of my ears. "Let's eat her eyes!" I took out another knife and quickly cut them out. Blood spurted out in a fountain! She must have had like five galloons in there. "Ha ha ha" I laughed villy, before slipping one into my mouth. I crunched down on it, savoring the taste as blood washed over my tongue. I took the other one in my hanbd and peeled off the cornea, before popping it in too.

"THIS IS NOT SPIFFY!" screamed the now blind woman.

"DRY UP YA OLD BIRD!" I yowled before crushing her windpipe with my foot.

"She just bumbped off that doll!" Yelled a man in glasses.

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES WITH YOUZR CHEATERS!" I yelled.

He ran away.

"I have absolutely no connection to Bacon!" Said Pyrite.

"That you do, my boy, that you do," I said with a smile. This would be fun. "Now then, let's kill some flappers!"

A/N: Hey, Meck, do you think we could eat some more people, and not just eyes? Cannibalism is fun! Also, I want Mr C to show up soon. You know the one. He'd probably like all the eye eating here. Him and Appylyna could have an eye party!


	17. LaLaLand

**Hey People! **

**I just wanted to say, Carli spoils all you with her chapters.**

**Anyways, welcome to all readers especially anyone from OLM!**

**Don't forget to do the challenge (Like LKEll, cough...)**

**Carli: Don't forget all the ideas we talked about!**

**I'd update now, but Carli wants to stay in the roaring 20's**


	18. NIGHTMARE

**A/N: Jesus, Meck, calm down. I'm back.**

"Now," I said, looking around. "Who should I kill next?" I saw a suspicious-looking white-haired man in sunglasses, who looked kind of out of place, especially because he was running around yelling, "I'M FREE! I'M FINALLY FREE!"

"YOU! WHY DO YOU HAVE SUNGLASSES IN THE 20s?" I yowled. "I WILL GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES WITH THEM YOU ANACHRONISTIC FREAK!"

"Oh, I don't have any eyes," he said dangerously.

"Like fuck you don't!" I yelled angrily, and ran towards him. When I tried to take them off, not only did he reach up and hold on so I couldn't, but he bit my figner! HE BIT MY FUCKING FINGER! WITH HIS FUCKING EYE!

"HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT" I said.

"Now that you know my secret I must kill you" he said.

"WAIT!" I yelled. "I could probably kill you first but maybe not but I don't want to anyways because you are weird and kinda cool! Do you like killing people?"

"Of course" he said. "Also I like eating their eyes."

"SWEET!"

"Arg!"

"Let's go kill some people!" I said eagerly.

"Worls for me!" He replied.

We ran around with machine guns and shot a bunch of people. In fifteen minutes there was a large pile of bodies which oozed blood from underneath. Pirate happily began to splash in it, while I and the Suspicious Man went from person to person and cut out the eyes. I ate all of mine, but he said he would wait for later

"Bye Suspicious Man who is not a copyright infringement in any way!" I said as I waved to him. "That was weird," I said turning to Pyrite.

"Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!" Said Pyrite.

"STOP! ALCOHOL IS ILLEGAL!" Yelled a random guy. "BOOTLEGGERS WILL BE PERSECUTED!"

"Go die in a hole," I said, digging a hole underneath him and promptly killing him. I was so full of eyes I didn't even eat his! "Well, Pyrite, let's go. I'm sick of this backwards decade. Let's go to the Stone Age! Then we can come back and kill Dedward!"

"A pirate's life for me!" Said Pyrite.


	19. Cupid

Here's the nest chapter, finally. Sorry it took me so damn long. Hold your damn horses. This chapter is dedicated to the awesome Revebjelle.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Tardis. I wish I did, I'd go with Kelly back to World War I (he, he LKell)

I WAS TIRED OF PYRITE THE GOLDEN PIRATE.

why the fuck did I let him be my comrade?

oh yeah, he's fools gold.

Duh, bitch, he's pyrite.

i decided to activate my plan.

remembering that he had sulfuric qualities i set it on FIRE!

with a match.

yea, i used a fuckin match.

i lit his butt.

it's on fi-ya!

suddenly, pirate stood up and the flames melted away.

Holy ficking shit!

how the hell did fire melt away?

doesn't that defy the laws of physics?

fuck, he's grinnin. this ain't gud.

"Ha hA i'm invinsible" he sayed grinnin his creepy grin

Then we go back in the tardis.

I saw a shinny button.

yeah, it had a real shine.

it was callin to me.

it wanted me to press it.

all hail the shininess.

i pressed it.

we started to spin and spin and spin and spin and spin some more.

gah, i hate the fucking spinning.

then we abruptly halted.

i yelled angry curse words in Russian.

we got outta teh tardis and looked around.

we were in the stone age!

Next chaper in a few minutes...


	20. VENUS

This sucks. I know I was going to post another chapter last night. But, fanfiction and word were being bitches and deleted my work when I was about to save the changes. I'm going to rewrite the chapter I had not. I won't be as great as the first...tear. Also, fanfiction won't ever let me see the image verification, I think that's just crap. I have nothing more to say.

Disclaimer: I don't own saber-toothed cats, giant ground sloths, mastodons, or mammoths. I wish I did. Why wasn't I born in the ice age?

recap: we're in the stone age!

damn.

i looked around.

it was empty.

very empty.

there wasn't a thing around.

no people were there either.

we heard something.

"arg! i'm scared shit!" pyrite yowled as he ran away.

what the fuck was his problem?

he was a spineless painted hussy.

although, the gold did suit him .

he is pyrite the golden pyrite aka fools gold

i looked around again for a second time.

what the fuck?

i heard something again.

it was,

it was,

it was…

A MASTODON!

A FUCKING MASTODON WAS RIGHT HERE! FUCK!

i got an idea.

an idea like no other.

this idea was so gud!

it was the best idea ever. yea, ever thought.

i was gunna make the mastodon me pet.

he was going to make a real gud pet.

he is gunna be my favorite pet ever.

i persuaded the mastodon to be my pet.

i used mind fuckcontrol idk use your brainshit to figure out what i did so u can 2.

anyways i klimbed onto its back.

"pyrite get your fucking ass over here now before we take off without u" i screeched.

"yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. i'm here. what the fuck is you problem with waitin bitch" he asked as he magically appeared behind me.

"what the fuck you crap hole!" i exclaimed not seeing him appear.

angry i said "you no i hav no i have a tight schedule to keep and stop molesting my eyes'

we went back into the tardis.

luckily my new pet could fit.

if it couldn't we would have to renovate the big blue box.

there was a button.

a real shinny button.

a button like no other.

it was sooooo shinny.

it was calling to me through its shininess.

it glimmered.

all hail the shininess of the button.

i pressed it.

we started to do the spin shit.

i looked out the pretend window that magically appeared like pyrite.

i saw a random bus.

it was an awesome bus.

it had awesome people in it.

the bus driver was named Charles.

he was awesome.

he is the best bus driver ever yeah.

don't ask how i new his name was.

they were in Philadelphia.

it is dark.

they were drivin along when a girl, the one who i believe always steals sesame chicken from her latin teacher, took a picture.

the light blinded Charles.

he crashed into a plane that was in da sky.

shit how the hell does a bus hit a plane that was in the fucking sky?

that defies the laws of physics.

then we came to a stop.

we are getting out of the tardis.

when we got out we saw a sign that said no mans land.

FUCK WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NO MANS LAND IN BLOODY WORLD WAR ONE!

how the hell did we end up here?

that basted who programmed and made shinny buttons!

we are in no mans land in world war I!

fuck! fuck! fuck that duck!

we are going to die.

so i got inspiration from my pet who says "whach out all you fucking soldiers we are gunna trample you because we are immortal"

we started to walk through every bloody trench out here.

i suddenly felt hungry again and wanted more eyes.

we continued walking as soldiers rained bullets on us and trying to kill us.

we scared them to shit, literally.

we continued to walk through the trenches and through no mans land.

this was awesome!

this is the best fucking day of my bitchy yet awesome life.

to be continued in World War I part two…

Longest chapter ever! Carli, would you like to pick it up from here? Sorry about this shitty chapter, the first awesome chapter was deleted by the bloody system.

Don't forget to check out our one-shot! R&R


	21. LOFE

Note: We're Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ck! I dint hatre spell dhdscherck.

Appylynsa Saw The Box Aain! "Ler's O Pyrte ' She Sed. "Arg!" Said Pyrite. "Moo!" Said Mammie The Mammoth. Ahs Kicked A Man In The Cheshe Died. Appylylna Lauhed. "Time 2 Go Basck To Da Future!" Seh Went Into The Dbox. Then They Came Back To The 21stte Centuy."Appyloyna My Lov" Said A Voice It Was Bedward! "I Lofe You!""Fuck Off Baka!" I Tyowled. "Yu Suck!""Yuh Should Give Thuh Man Whut He Wants" Said Casper The Friendly Ghost. 'Ah Do Declare!""You R Such A Bastard!" I Said Angrly. "O Die In Ahole Somewhere!""Whatever" He Said Madly."Yo" Said Fesi2"Yum" Said A Gust Ofe Wined'Shut It" Apullina Saide. Dedwared Came Into The Viewds He Sayde "How Sare You Me Love?" Barrak O'bama Trew A Rockl Atr Feedwarfc. It Hitf Tfhe Pernos. Dedward Died Again. "Dammit" Said Casper. "Muy Bros Ded Agin But Dats Ok Hell Be Fain" "So Long Bbbaka!' Sed Apyylyns. "yu duk ;lil lady" said caswper as dedward regonized consiencesness. "appylylna my lover I love you wilkll al the lo0ve in my lovely heart bb!" "fuck it damn" apuulina syd. Bbefoe deadward coul reply applyina sd It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird." Buttward syd "There's too much sex and there's too much violence, but not enough violent sex tickle my as.s with a feather?"


End file.
